I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Randomize
