He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
So vagazzling was a success
Randomize
