I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
