So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
