Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
