I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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