It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
