Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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