i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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