if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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