he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
