Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
The air taste purple.
Randomize
