i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
