i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
