If you die in college, do you die in real life?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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