Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
