You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
