Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Randomize
