dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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