I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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