Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
