I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
