i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
