Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
