I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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