For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
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