no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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