ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
