I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
