We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
