Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
