its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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