She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
