Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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