Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Randomize
