he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
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