she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
