My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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