I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I want her autograph on my taint
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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