I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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