Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
