she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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