david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
