I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
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