Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
