you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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