Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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