My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
