Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Let's get the cat blown out
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
