I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
