Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Randomize
